Before I found the outlet of having lyrics turned into songs, I used to regularly write comedy sketches. I had some of my comedy sketches performed in Edinburgh at the Traverse Theatre, through their Monday Lizard shows which featured the work of new writers. And then I staged two comedy shows in Glasgow with writing friend John Mooney. We called those shows Wright Side of the Moone, and they featured some of our sketches performed by talented local actors.
Recently, John mentioned that the Radio Four Extra show, Newsjack, was looking for writers to submit short comedy sketches and one-liners commenting on topical news stories. I’ve submitted a few items for it during September and October 2019. So far I’ve had nothing accepted for the show but I thought I’d post them on here for people to hopefully enjoy.
Scotland has announced that it has outlawed smacking. No word though of any bans on Glasgow Kisses, which presumably benefit from Protected Geographical Indication status, like Arbroath Smokies, and Billy Connolly’s beard! (Related news story)
As the Brexit storylines become ever more elaborate and unbelievable, fans of the series are becoming worried that it’s going to have an ‘It was all a dream’ damp squib ending.
Nicola Sturgeon has said that US tariffs on Scottish Whisky will cause damage, adding ‘Aye, we’ll do mair damage tae they American bastards. Fannies!’ (Related news story)
Scientists have been lambasted for crossing an ethical line by growing mini human brains the size of a pea, but praised by tabloid editors for providing the open goal of using ‘pea-brained’ in their headlines. (Related news story)
The gender of perfectly preserved 3,000 year old Egyptian mummies can be determined as men were buried with their hands closed while women’s hands were open … in a gesture signifying thanks for the ‘perfectly preserved’ compliment! (Related news story)
As the prospect of further Brexit delay looms, hopes are rising for those who bought ‘March 30th Brexit Day’ celebration banners. (Related news story)
‘Right, over to Alison at Lords, where I believe there’s a Wicked in the cricket?’ Yes, that’s right, Peter. I’m joined here by Geoffrey Boycott’. (Related news story)
Time Travel news – The revelation that Snickers is reverting to being called Marathon has greatly excited Jacob Rees-Mogg. The bad news, Jacob, is that’s only proof of going back to the NINEteen Eighties! (Related news story)
It’s been confirmed that the UK has blocked a proposed legal ban on the eating of cats and dogs. Well, we’ll need something to eat in the event of a No Deal exit! (Related news story)
As suggestions are put forward to ban the eating of animals, there is concern at a potential loophole, as creationists are seen buying cannibal cookbooks. (Related news story)
As the Supreme Court prepared to rule prorogation unlawful, Jabob Rees-Mogg has been seen stamping his little feet and screaming ‘This isn’t the kind of sovereignty that I wanted, Mummy! Waaaaaah!’ (Related news story)
Remoaners’ accusations that Brexiters don’t like immigrants have taken a hit through the Acuri story, where it’s been revealed that the lead Brexiter is allegedly ‘good friends’ with a lady who has a pole in her house. (Related news story)
An enquiry has been launched after Wales’ victory against Australia in the Rugby World Cup, as nobody called Jones scored and only two Jones’ played. The Welsh Rugby Association has apologised and said it won’t happen again. (Related news story)
News that opposition parties are considering installing John Bercow as interim Prime Minister has thrown a stark perspective on the state of the NHS. There are fears that, in the resultant meltdown, a lack of defibrillators in hospitals may cause Brexiters will become life’s Exiters. (Related news story)
HIT OR MISS?
DARREN (from Yorkshire) Yes, yes, yes! Get in there!
KEEGAN (Teenage grandson) What’s up, Grandad? England got a wicket?
DARREN Not likely – useless bunch of tossers!
LAUREN (his wife) Ooh, interesting. I haven’t heard you so excited love since …
DARREN Shush pet, not in front of the kid
LAUREN I was gonna say ‘since Geoffrey last put a good knock in’
KEEGAN (SARCASTIC) South of France, 96, allegedly?
DARREN Eh, enough of that, Keegan! That’s Sir Geoffrey you’re talking about!
LAUREN So what’s got you fist pumping in the living room?
DARREN They’ve only gone an’ done it, Boris and Rees-Mogg. Six trade deals in one week – six!
LAUREN Wow, that’s fantastic. America?
DARREN No. There’s Eswatini
KEEGAN Doesn’t he play for Chelsea?
DARREN Shut it, you! There’s Namibia, Botswana. Them Remoaners will be crying in their craft beer!
LAUREN (GOOD NATUREDLY) I’m sure they will dear, I’m sure they will
GRAMS: SNIPPET OF ‘HOW DARE YOU’ DEATH METAL SINGLE
GRETA’S PR GUY Mr and Mrs Thunberg, what is this I’m hearing? Greta’s only doing death metal now?!
GRETA’S MUM Yes, some metaller turned her UN speech into a scary death metal song
GRETA’S DAD Scary? I think it’s good!
GRETA’S PR GUY But writing speech’s as metal lyrics will be tough. Why couldn’t she have embraced Springsteen or Neil Young?
GRETA’S MUM Oh, here she comes. Look smart!
GRETA’S DAD Nice piercings, honey. New eye-liner?
GRETA Humpf! ‘I am Despair, come on the waves! I am Death, raised from the grave!’
GRETA’S PR GUY (Nervous) Ha ha, very good. Look Greta, we’ve booked you in for World Soil Day. I’m thinking we can do a NICE speech about how much you love trees and flowers …
GRETA Soil? ‘You have soiled my youth, How dare you! You will feel my rage, I kill you. Reign of fire, burn the churches down, Soon my scream, the only sound!’
GRETA’S PR GUY Argggh! We are doomed!
GRETA Yes, that’s what I’ve been saying!
GRETA’s PR GUY Dooooomed!
GRAMS: ANOTHER SNIPPET OF DEATH METAL
I hope you have enjoyed my comedy sketches and one-liners. If you want to leave any feedback then please feel free to Contact me